An interview with The Catch
Last Friday the world was hit by some Heritage Fishing Pirates. They threw their hirsingle ‘Sex Shark’ right in our faces, while were thinking they were dead by seven years. The story goes some famous folk-metal artists were collaborating with these pirates. So we asked their labe Despotz Records what made them decide to ask The Catch to join their roster. Their answer was: “We dont have Pirate Metal, let’s go on a pillage hunt.”
This didn’t make us any wiser, so we skimmed the coast to find these bastards.
Seven years, Seven months and Seven days
After you started a band in 2013 you played a show and then went quiet for seven years, seven months and seven days. How many fish did you catchin that time?
“Yes we went very quiet for a variety of reasons. I was researching fishing practices in Turkmenistan at this time and ended up staying there much longer than expected. I caught many fish there but also many STI’s, I am now riddled with disease but I love it. Did you know that chlamydia is very itchy on your man kipper but also guaranteed to break the ice at parties?*
What happened you got to write songs after that period?
“I wrote many songs very recently, a whole albums worth in fact but did you know that the earliest evidence of fishing practises, deciphered from ancient cave dwellings, indicate that petrol powered boats were the norm? These early fishermen were also very fond of pornography as early porn magazines would suggest, dirty little bastards.”
32 Fucking real people
What happened with the line-up of the band in these years?
“Well, The Catch only ever consisted of myself (Captain French) and Crunchy Codd on guitar. We did recruit ‘Donegal Catch’ on bass and ‘Clown Face Fish Wank’ who played the fish on stage, that was only for live shows but, just like the anchovies used in that first attempt at making Worcestershire Sauce, we stagnated after that first live show. Nothing really happened. Crunchy Codd then set sale for the Colonies and things went quiet. I then decided I wanted to start writing amazing new songs. I thought maybe start a new band altogether, but The Catch’s facebook page had 32 likes, 32 fucking real people out there liked The Catch and were ok with social media knowing that and by jaysus, I didn’t want to lose that momentum. It would take years to rebuild that fanbase so I decided I would keep going as The Catch, just me, and the rest is history but did you know you can lure women into your house by promising them gifts or perfume and cooked meat?”
Talk us through how the deal with Despotz Records came about?
“Despotz: ‘ring ring …… ring ring ……. ring ring’
Despotz: Know any pirate metal bands, that genre is kinda blowing up right now.
Me: *scratches chin while grinning*”
What made Despotz decide to ask The Catch to join their roster. “We dont have Pirate Metal, let’s go on a pillage hunt.” / Omer Despotz
How did you manage to get all these artists to appear on your first real single?
“Arrrrrrrrrrr, well. Have you heard the demo version of ‘Sex Shark’? If you did, you would know why. It is the greatest song anyone has ever heard. When the record deal happened I thought ‘hmmmm …. all those morons out there in the pirate metal world don’t know The Catch, how can I make them take note’, so I decided the best way would be to threaten a lot of these big Folk Metal celebrity doucebags. I spent months hacking their facebook pages and their webcams and managed to get myself lots of videos of them masturbating to some of the worst porn I’ve ever seen. You should see what Keith from Cruachan jerks off to, it’s absolutely fucking disgusting but still, one must admire the strength of his convictions. Anyway, I threatened them all that I would leak this footage and the rest is history.”
Is ‘Sex Shark’ a signature song for The Catch? What can we expect for therest of the album?
“Right now it is our signature song because it’s the only song that actually exists but I have a whole album written, songs with various titles such as ‘Boing Boing’ and ‘The fishing industry of Turkmenistan’ (written during my time there). The Wall Street Journal have described us as ‘The Steel Panther of the Folk Metal world’ and I like that.”
Will there be a tour when things are possible again?
“We probably won’t tour but would prefer to accept offers to play prestigious music festivals. We are suited to all festival types, from classical music festivals celebrating the splendour of Mozart, to porn festivals celebrating the majesty of Mo’s arse.”
Is there anything else you like to say to our readers?
“Yes! Everybody seems to have smart phones these days but did you know you can easily remove both your legs from above the knee with nothing more than a chainsaw? It’s super easy to do as long as you follow the three “Golden Rules” of leg removal:
- DO NOT attempt any leg removal while cycling a bike. If you lose the legs you will no longer be able to power the bicycle and therefore will not be able to reach your destination. Imagine the egg on your face if you were on your way to bathe your father or buy your children some wine or deliver a poo to a homeless family?
- DO NOT stop the blood flow after a successful leg removal or whomp (see below), allow yourself to bleed out. This is very handy especially if you have some upcoming tasks or household chores, maybe some errands that need running, if you allow yourself to bleed out you will escape those most mundane of tasks.
- DO enjoy the tasty flesh of an eel, freshly caught, inserted, removed, cleaned, inserted again (more painfully this time as there will be little moisture on its skin second time around), removed, and cleaned thoroughly – we all know how hard it is to get rid of “that” smell. Maybe you can throw some eel at a parent or loved one…..in their face.
The scientific term for chainsaw leg removal is “whomp” example – “sir, did you whomp your legs this morning?” “Yes I did and have already buried them, the whomp took no more than 20 minutes”.